I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
