I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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