Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
