I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
