I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
