I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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