If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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