6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
