Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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