I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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