Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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