I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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