It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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