he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
