If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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