Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
