Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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