fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
