I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
