dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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