Don't make out with my wife yet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize