Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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