I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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