we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Im part way to drunk.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
