dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
