You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Are my feet made of real feet?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
