I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
