the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
