There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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