I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
