For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i dont even know how to be here
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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