It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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