Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
