oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we're so committed to being not committed
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