If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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