My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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