Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
