I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
