you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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