I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
