I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
