So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
