The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
