I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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