And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
