Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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