I bet he comes in French.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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