the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
