dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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