The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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