I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
