one two three fourrrrnication!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
