How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
