By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
