Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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