I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
