You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
