How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
