Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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