my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
