now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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