the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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